Thursday, December 29, 2011

Year of Stories


There is something very therapeutic about leafing through pages of my old planners and just reading past notes that I don’t even remember why they were there in the first place. Earlier tonight, I found my 2010 and 2011 planners and started going through the months. A tip to my mom in case she’s trying to look for skeletons in my closet: start with my planner, you’re bound to find a lot there. Hehe. And note to self: find a better hiding place for my planners. Going back, I’ve ranted so so much this year and even the past year how unlucky I’ve been in the past and recently. How I’ve lost so much in the past two years and how distraught my life has seemed to evolve. There’s just so much drama written on my planner and in this blog that a part of me actually feels shameful (HAHA) for seeing myself this way. Like I’m this forsaken girl that’s been deprived of so many things when in fact, life wasn’t so bad after all.

I was quick to judge 2011 as a continuation of an awful 2010 that I didn’t see through the blessings I’ve received this year. I was probably getting so used to the idea that I can no longer be too complacent that things will go my way that in spite of a good thing that happens to me, I always rethink and rethink that this good karma is just a quick break from a really long downfall. And I realize (sadly too late) that this is a really really bad way of thinking. I can go on talking about this epiphany and add more emotions to this but I’m starting anew. 2010 and 2011 have given me all the drama and emotions I could ever feel. And I think I’m done with that phase. I can feel my metabolism going slower and younger people’s interests getting more and more irrelevant to me. I can never get back those two years of thinking one good thing equates to so many things, but I’m hopeful that the coming year/s would be a shower of awesomeness not just to me, but hopefully to everyone else who needs it and deserves it as well.

And because I’m really positive about this year, I’ve started early by creating my own version of a vision board. I’m short on the creative side, so I opted for a mini vision board on my planner instead of a huge one I just saw from an episode of Two Broke Girls. My board has everything I want for next year to be filled with: family, friends, faith, contentment, courage, and adventures.

I’m very thankful with how my family has become this year. I would say this has to be the most trying year for our family, with my father’s hospitalization and everything else involved in it. These challenges proved to be but bridges to help us be stronger as a family. I can’t recall the last time I’ve spent Christmas with my cousins and actually felt grateful to be part of this family. I’m praying hard that something this warm and uplifting isn’t temporary.

Graduation and new school made it challenging for me to keep old friends and make new ones. This blog has been witness to my childish rants of wanting to fit in to my new school and keeping my social life alive. Some things never seem to grow old. The issues about friends that I’ve had since grade school remain to be the same issues after graduation. To the old friends who still stick around, cheers to you. And to new friends that I’ve felt like I’ve known for years (when in fact we’ve only met six months ago), here’s to a lifetime of hopefully working together.

Somewhere along the way, I think I might have lost sense of God and what my actual relationship with Him was. I don’t normally talk of religion or of my personal faith since I’m not the most religious person in the world, but tonight will be a bit of an exception. Maybe it’s the inconvenience of the school chapel being very far from my building that I’ve lost the habit of visiting the church every morning the way I used to in college or the lack of time to pray that might have caused this, shall I say, rift I’ve had with my personal faith. There was a time that I kept on questioning God why so many “un-Godly” things have been happening to me that, I guess, it came to a point I got too tired to wait for answers and tried to seek for answers independently. I’ve reconsidered trying other “views” of God, partly because I can see how much they’ve changed (in a good way) my friends and relatives and largely because of this doubt that just piled up in my head. But I don’t think I’m ready for that or for anything when I know I’m still on shaky ground. I highly respect other people’s beliefs of God but I think getting into something just to escape something that confuses me is probably not the best reason to change my faith.

One of the things I’ve lost this year was that courage or more fittingly that value for self that I should’ve kept strong when I graduated from college. I’m not sure if this even has to be said (what with the seemingly endless posts I’ve had about med school), but this obviously has to be my weakest suit. But I’ve got to steal back to my thunder.

I’m happy to realize that I wasn’t short of going on adventures this year. My lack of achievements was compensated for by the different places I’ve been to in 2011. This is something I’m happy for for this year. I’ve been to new provinces in Luzon, some of which my parents weren’t even aware of. Haha. And I’m wishing I’ll have more of those next year.

So I was reading a Feng Shui 2012 prediction magazine and learned that those born in the year of the horse are bound to have a very busy and busog year ahead. I had to confirm this and checked for the 2012 prediction for Geminis and what do you know, the stars seem to like me. But then again, I don’t want to get ahead of myself and end up with no eggs in my basket, so I’m just going to leave these predictions on the palm of my hand and let everything fall into place the way they should.

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

On Marriage and Getting There


Remember how in high school (or even college), girls would incessantly talk about their incoming debuts? Somehow, it has always been the event that most girls would look forward to during that time. But as soon as people graduate or reach their 20’s, what’s next in line to every person’s milestone would be marriage. I’m skipping graduation and job only because I’m not sure if these things count as milestones.

So marriage.

Somehow, the topic of marriage finds its way in the conversations I’ve had with college friends or high school friends. And the favorite subtopic under this huge umbrella is the question, “who will get married among us first?” My friends and I would give names of people whom we think would get married before everyone else did. So far, none of my blockmates and high school friends have tied the knot. This is largely due to the fact that most of us are in our early 20’s that you’d have to be crazy in love to get married at 21 or 22. And I just can’t imagine how my friends would go through that transition from being friends to boyfriends/girlfriends to husbands/wives. Husband and wife seem like really big and foreign words to me. But this streak has ended when one of my classmates in med school just got married last weekend.
One thing I realize from my classmate’s wedding was that it really feels different when it’s someone you know who gets married, when it’s someone who is, more or less, going through the same stress of med school as you, and when it’s someone you see in class everyday. I mean, I’m not particularly close to this classmate, he probably wouldn’t count me as a friend, but nonetheless, the fact remains that we are classmates and so, the connection stays. And the point here is, there really is no turning back. Marriage is a fact.

I mean, all of us are really getting older and in one way or another, we’d all have to face this reality of having to live with another person for the rest of our lives. And I’m not quite sure about how I feel regarding marriage. It’s there alright, and every girl dreams of a Jason Magbanua wedding video, but to be honest, I’m not particularly excited about it, about the idea of weddings or marriage per se.

I do get gushy and teary-eyed when watching wedding videos and listening to other people’s love stories, but the thing is, I was never the affectionate girl and being so made me turn off thoughts about my own wedding plans. Maybe it’s because I haven’t really found anyone who would take up that position of the man I’ll be with forever. I guess that’s probably the main reason why marriage still seems sooo far away from me.  

But at the same time, a part of me is really scared that I won’t get married…ever. I can’t be a spinster. L I love the idea of an independent and free life alone, but not for the rest of my life. Living alone, eating alone, watching movies alone and having fun alone have their fun days, but to do these things alone forever is just unbearable. Don’t get me wrong, I admire the single ladies who have reached their golden years and have remained happy, but I’m just not that kind of person who would want to rely only on herself forever.

Okay, so maybe I’m more of scared of not getting married. It’s not really about being apathetic about it, but more of the fear that it might never happen for me. *Knocks really hard on wood*

So here’s to hoping for the right man to meet, marry and have kids with in God’s perfect time!

P.S. Please come before I reach 29 :-s

Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Dapitan Arcade


Thank God for a midweek holiday! And I mean a real holiday. Not that kind of holiday that professors would normally ruin by “incidentally” giving tons of homework or things to study for. This time, it’s a real free day for everyone, well for everyone I know at least. And what’s a better way to spend the holiday than exploring Dapitan street. Haha. I realize that I’ve been talking about Dapitan for quite a while now. The water puddles of Dapitan, the baha of Dapitan, the siomai of Dapitan, the yagit street kids of Dapitan, and now, I present to you, the Dapitan Arcade.

 Streets of Dapitan

 

I only realized today that the Dapitan I know is just one third of this really really long street. If you think about it, Dapitan is actually longer than Katipunan Avenue. As I have learned today from commuting to Dapitan Arcade, Dapitan on the left is actually what they would call the residential area while the right (where I live) is probably better called the commercial area since this side has a lot more establishments (i.e. UST). Dapitan Arcade, however, is found within the residential area.

Dapitan Arcade, including the makeshift shops along the streets outside, is known for its vast collection of Christmas and holiday decorations sold at very very low prices. If you look closely, the stuff you can find in the likes of Gourdo’s, SM’s Our Home and maybe Rustan’s can actually be found here too! I discovered this when I saw a store selling ceramic plates, liquid soap pumps and cups and realized that I think I’ve seen these ceramics in Gourdo’s, but certainly not with the same price! So I guess, this is one of the main reasons why a lot of mommies and daddies go here; pieces are sold at rock-bottom prices and are of really good quality.

Aside from the price, the Christmas decors are actually kind of unique and interesting. There are some that look bland and can be comparable to the chipipay ones in Divi, but the rest of the decors made me really excited for Christmas. Maybe if I were a mom, I’d go crazy choosing which snowman or reindeer or swinging Santa Claus to buy. Dapitan Arcade would be my mom’s own version of the vintage stores I liked in Cubao X. But then again, I’ve never heard of any middle-aged adult who isn’t a fan of antique or vintage things. But I digress.

 Inside Dapitan Arcade


Aside from the Christmas decors that my sister and I bought for my mom and our tita’s, what really caught my eye were those hampers and rattan carts, crates and treasure boxes that I wanted for myself. If only we had our own car to drive, I would’ve bought that huge penguin treasure box and use it as shoe storage. Mental note to myself: when I get married or get my own house (both circumstances seem to equate each other), I want my furniture to be all wood and my storage bins to be all katsa and rattan.


If you’re planning to swing by Dapitan Arcade, be sure to drop by early in the morning to avoid crowds and the painfully hot weather. Walking around the street at noon was not the best feeling in the world, I’d tell you that. And bring lotsa water just to stay hydrated in case you failed to follow the first advice. If you’re eyeing for Christmas decors, it’s better to look at the stuff outside the arcade itself, aka the makeshift stalls found along the Mayon and Canluan (was it Canluan or Canlungan? Dunno) because the stuff outside are way cheaper than the decors inside the arcade. And sometimes, those outside sell nicer decors too. Just saying. And last, if you need ceramic plates or tea cups, better go to Mayon Street (near the traffic light). If you see a palengke across the street, you’re in the right place. Happy Christmas shopping!



Because today’s a holiday, I just couldn’t allow myself to stay at home for the rest of the day and play Game of Nerds or watch TVD. So I dragged my sister and went to the mall for some window-shopping. Before heading home, we stopped by Saizen and I found this!


I’m not sure if it’s really worth the 85 pesos, but it’s super cute. I already used it to measure my nighttime tea and will use it again tomorrow morning.


 


Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Mia Year


25 days to go before Christmas, and no, this isn’t going to be a post about the list of things I want for this Christmas.

After more than two months, I’ve finally found the time to open and update my planner. You see, back in college, I’ve always kept a planner for homework, important events, random nothings, emo one-liners and free time doodling. I tried really hard to keep it updated when school started but later on realized that the time I waste drawing cows or flowers or amateur topography on my planner is better spent maybe reading through my school handouts. And so, it’s only now that I really found the time to try and remember the things I did or places I went to for the past few months.

One of the things I love about keeping a planner is that it really reminds you of the things you’ve done or have to do. Going through the earlier months of 2011, I saw the transition from an easy life of endless dinners and trips to the malls with friends to blank pages from September until November. The blank pages can be attributed to lack of time to update as I have mentioned earlier or to lack of social life. if you see my planner, you can see that there has been a rapid decline of night-outs with friends and more of movie watching alone.

 
 
 


Somehow, it makes me sad to see how much and how fast my life has changed in a matter of months, but at the same time, I am amazed that all of this is happening in front of me and I’m here watching it all happen. A part of me though feels that aside from med school (which is duh, a really big thing if you think about it), I haven’t really made full use of this year. I ask myself, how much has changed since 2010? Am I still the same girl who writes Death Cab For Cutie song lyrics on her planner from 2010 to 2011? I know a lot of things have changed and a lot of the circumstances I’ve lived in have shifted, but what about me? Somehow, I can’t fully comprehend if any part of me has grown more mature with all the supposed experiences that I’ve been through.

I appreciate that this year has opened me to a lot of opportunities and to the start of a decade of studying and hopefully, to a lifelong vocation. You have to know that I have cursed 2010 to hell. I started that year feeling that this really doesn’t feel like Mia Year. I was more than happy to have ended that year and even happier when 2011 started. But it was a fluctuating love and hate for 2011. I wouldn’t say it has been smooth-sailing, but not entirely eventful either. I’m excited for what 2012 will bring and somehow, hopeful that 2012 will be Mia Year.

***

Last night, I was studying for Anatomy when I just stopped and told myself, “eh mag-trabaho na lang kayo ako?” How does it feel to be part of the workforce? I’ve always wondered how it feels to go to work in the morning and then do nothing but lounge around at night. Maybe the stress levels won’t be as high as compared to med school. Or maybe I’m just too biased.

*** 
 

My sister had this penguin costume made for their coming college week. She’s supposed to parade around the whole school at lunch time while wearing this. Pretty funny. She reminds me of the lead girl in the movie Angus, Thongs and Perfect Snogging. But I think I’ll borrow this costume for the Kythe Christmas Party on Saturday. Haha!

Thursday, November 24, 2011

Water Balls

Look what I've made for the past week.


Doesn't it remind you of those pictures you randomly reblog in Tumblr? I think this work/picture of mine is now worth reblogging. 

They're called crystal balls and were introduced to me by my little sister who bought the balls from one of side street vendors near her school. Apparently, these crystal balls are equivalent to the "kisses" I used to collect back in grade school. Remember those kisses which smelled really nice and were thought of as nanganganak if you place them in a bed of cotton? Hahaha. Your childhood would be missing a piece if you have not heard of these kisses.

So how to make these balls.

Seven Color Crystal Boll

You have to read the instructions/information. Benta! Haha

After immersing them in water for about 2-3 hours, ta-daaah! 

Excuse the countless lines engraved on my palm

I don't know exactly what these balls are for, but I just really like how they look when they're immersed in water. A little caution though. If you can remember your lesson on osmosis or the diffusion of water from regions of high water concentration to low water concentration, this principle strongly applies on my balls. After leaving them in the water for about a day, around 5 balls have undergone hemolysis or cell bursting. This is due to, you know it, osmosis. Because too much water has been absorbed by the balls, they ended up breaking themselves in the end. Boo. 


Saturday, November 19, 2011

Master of Cough and Cold


I deleted the last post just because I feel like it didn’t seem so real. So, if you didn’t have the chance to read it, good job. I believe, no one was meant to have read it anyway.

Today reminded me, just when I needed it the most, why I’m here. In med school, having a support group or at least having something or someone to remind you that you’re smart enough or at least strong enough to carry on with school is a huge huge must. Otherwise, med students find themselves getting so lost and end up quitting, only because they didn’t hear a lot of their friends or their families continuously reminding these students na kayang-kaya nila to pass a Biochem quiz or a Histology grand pracs. I’ve always felt grateful for having my mom and my sister as my cheerleaders in med school. I probably would’ve gone to my tipping point early on if it weren’t for them.

But as I said, there really are times when no matter how much prodding people around me do, their words just don’t seem to suffice. I talk as if I’ve been in med school when really, I’ve only finished a half of one-fourth of med school. But believe me, med school goes by so slowly that it actually feels like I’ve been here for years! And during the time that I’ve been here, I admit it has never been a smooth ride when it comes to dealing with the stress.

I entered this semester looking for that support group, for that something that would tell me that I am where I should be. I’ve entered a brief somehow reckless phase of trying different things and saying yes to things without even thinking. But I’m done with that, because today, I felt the connection that I needed, and the” intercession” that I have been looking for.

I was never really the sorority girl. I honestly can’t imagine myself being so lovey-dovey with my “sisters” and getting too girly. I think I’ve already discovered who I was when I joined Kythe in college. I was that kind of person who’s supposedly humanity-oriented. You know that kind of person who thinks she’s born to serve humanity, thaaat’s me! Heck, that’s the same line I’ve said in almost all of my interviews for med school. Not that I don’t mean it when I say it, it just somehow amazes me how I’ve carried on with this view of life or of humanity when chose an organization in med school. Is it practical to think this way? Hell no. My parents expressed their greatest concern (and probably refusal) when I told them I want to go to Mindanao or in Batanes and be a community doctor there. For one, the only thing I’ll be rich of when I actually go through that crazy plan would be farm animals or their eggs or babies. And, as my dad would always argue, I really don’t have enough money to provide or give for my future barrio patients’ medicine. That’s true, and since I assume my parents won’t really let me pursue this plan of mine, the next best thing would be to do it now, when I still don’t have my license and have the school’s money to fund for my barrio patients’ needs.
With other members of Medical Missions Inc. (MMI), I went to San Juan Del Monte, Bulacan for my first ever medical mission. I joined this mission, mainly because of the aforementioned deep longing to be of help to humanity and probably because I wanted to gain more experience. Actually, to use the word “more” would be wrong since I have ZERO experience prior to this mission. I only learned how to take pulse rate and BP a few days ago (YAY though for finally learning). What I expected from this mission was a bit of training in getting Vital Signs and more of observing the higher batches and the residents do more of the clinical or medical things. I really wanted to just stay in the background and observe for the rest of the day.
To my surprise, I was practically training myself to be a pediatrician the whole day! And not just the secretary or the nurse who’s responsible for taking the VS and the history ha, I was actually prescribing medicine to my patients! Patients with an S pa! Yes, I’m not entirely allowed to write a prescription and sign my name on a prescription pad, but the very kind consultant said it’s about time I learn how to do it. By the end of the day, I’d consider myself the master of cough and cold. Haha.

2 out of 3 patients I’ve seen today had the simple cough and cold, but it was very interesting to listen to the few histories with very very peculiar cases. The things I’ve heard during Clinical Anatomy lecture actually do exist and are experienced by my pediatric patients. It’s cool in a non-creepy way. And for some reason, I’m thinking if it was fate that brought me to the Pedia department on my first mission. It couldn’t possibly be a sign that pediatrics is the way to go. I’m still undecided, but today definitely made this specialization part of my top 3 choices. Kids are just so fun to talk to and even played around with. For a while, it felt like I was just in a Kythe visit sans my stethoscope, history-taking responsibilities and prescription pads.

It’s empowering, as what I’ve told my friend when he asked me how the mission went. And it really is. I’ve learned so many things even before they were taught in class. I met so many good people who were there, maybe because they share the same passion I have or maybe because it has been part of their lifestyle. 

Either way, it feels good to be around people who seem to understand me. And more importantly, it really feels great to be part of this organization whose purpose for existence coincides the point of view I have of myself and of the things around me. Our consultant told us that we are privileged enough to join this mission. And I believe, I do feel honored and privileged that I get to be part of something really great. This won’t be the last.  

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Decisions and A Douche


What is wrong with men? Not even men, but boys. Immature boys (yes, it does seem very redundant to use those two words together) who can't seem to think clearly or at least try to do the right thing. This isn't going to be part 2 of what I wrote down there. It can be, but not really.

Over the past few days, I've been hearing a lot of stories about douchebags doing what they do best, being the biggest a-holes that they already are. Do i sound too harsh and angry? Haha. I'm just really confused and somehow frustrated by the things these boys do.

Dressing up and actually living up to this label of being a douche is one thing, but it's just not enough a reason for one guy to act, talk and treat a girl that way.

What's even more puzzling is how these boys can actually get into relationships. A part of me thinks that maybe, before these boys started being douches, they were once good, charming, funny, caring, respectful, and probably, boyfriend-material. Because if they weren't any of those things I just described, i just can't see how a girl can even decide on going on a date with this kind of guy.

But then again, who am I to judge people’s choices right? Maybe I’ve officially become this hard-headed freak who’d take pleasure in punching any douchebag’s face. But what I’m really trying to say is that, to all the girls who feel like this guy they’re with, this guy who does nothing but lower your self-esteem, this guy who threatens to leave you all the friggin’ time, this guy who doesn’t see how much effort you’ve given, maybe it’s time to rethink the whole point of being where you are. I won’t wash my hands clean by saying that I’ve met the most wonderful men in my life. I’ve met a number, yes, but that doesn’t leave out the occasional losers. Haha. And a part of me also thinks that I could’ve been smarter in the decisions I’ve made in the past. I strongly believe it when they say those girls you’d think should be smart enough don’t seem very smart when they make decisions involving love and anything under that umbrella.

My driving point really is that, I wish all of us could be smarter when it comes to love. (Eww, using and writing about this word in 2 consecutive posts. Ugh.)

***

I need to make good decisions in my life. But before making good decisions, I need to be more decisive. I realize I’m not really the best decision-maker, nor am I dependable when it comes to making decisions on my own, without any form of help.

***

I have this love-hate relationship with my obsession behavior. It’s just that when I’m obsessing over something, I just can’t stop. I have to get past this jump soon! Why can’t December come sooner? That watermelon’s been itching for a while now. 

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Good Love Letters


I find myself writing letters when sometimes, I feel that I can’t be strong enough to say everything I have to say in front of that person. I’ve always considered myself who mixes up words in my head and ends up saying words that would just make everything worse when I was actually intending to do otherwise.

I admit writing letters in situations when I know shouldn’t, when I know I should be saying these words instead of writing them. I’ve done this a number of times, mainly because I couldn’t think of a better way of expressing myself. Sometimes it feels wrong, but most of the time, I just feel that I have no choice.

But writing letters is an art. Sure, there are letters you write just to say something, but there are letters that are sent not only to be read, but more importantly, to be felt by the recipient just how much the letter writer has poured out her feelings into words that would hopefully be enough to make the recipient feel what the sender wishes he or she would. I’m not good at writing letters. Most of the time, they just seem like I’m talking to myself with the other recipient simply eavesdropping. I write with much thought. Sometimes too cheesy, but I try to make up for it by making sense. You tell me if that’s a good thing or not.

So here’s an open letter for anyone who passes by.

To my friend,


Today was my second day back in school, as I start the new semester. I had a rough start, with two mediocre quizzes, but it got better by the end of the day. Shared tea and some laughs with friends and even managed to fit in exercise into my supposedly busy schedule. I don’t remember this day feeling the same exactly a year ago.

It was also the second day of the new semester. I’ve been having a streak of bad days since Friday of the previous week and I didn’t know why. Maybe I did back then, I just didn’t think it was something I should worry about. I tried to go through the day, trying to think that these bad days should be over soon. I got a message wanting to have lunch. I go down the building and walk out of Ateneo with no words spoken. Just walking and looking at my shoes as I walked. I entered the newly renovated Jollibee Katipunan and ordered French fries and a cup of sundae, trying to normalize what I already felt wasn’t going to be a usual meal between two people. I sat down, fiddling with my sundae as I heard him say, “do you really think this is going to last?” It’s been a year, so most likely, these weren’t the exact words, but the thought is there. Just so you know, I was already shivering during this time, maybe out of fear or anger or anxiety, but I held on to my spoon.

“I never thought it would. Because you’ve already told me before that there’s a deadline to this.”

Here’s the punchline…

 “Did you ever love me?”

(yes friends, I said this. Probably something I regret the most that has ever come out of my mouth. Parang teleserye lang sa GMA taena)

It’s already been a year, and things are definitely so much different from last year. Last year, I was pretending things were normal. But pretending seems like a harsh word to use, because it also seems like I was in denial. But to be in denial sounds even worse, somehow very pitying for me. So it’s safe to say that I haven’t acknowledged much of it early on.

I’d be lying if I said I am completely over it. I wouldn’t be writing this to you in the first place if I were. I’ve gotten better somehow. It was just so sad that during those times that I actually and finally realized that “fuck, it’s actually over”, there’s no one to talk to about it. People were off discovering themselves and their dreams, and I just couldn’t bring myself to talk about it anyway. Maybe only during a few times when I’m already drunk and couldn’t care less if I’ll be judged by my not-getting-over-it/him.

I don’t mean for this to be an anecdote of a girl who got dumped. This is simply a letter telling you, finally, that I was hurt so badly. Maybe it doesn’t show, but I was and a part of me still is. (Don’t say I didn’t warn you about my cheese) But a side of me blames myself for not getting it right, for not even trying to fight for myself or save whatever was left. And sometimes, an even bigger part of me thinks it’s utterly unfair for someone to love you today and then tomorrow, he just decides he doesn’t. And this brings me back to thinking that I should’ve at least tried to fight for it. But then again, I’m a girl and in this country, we like to call it being desperada. For a while, it used to be a cycle, a very emo-sad one to say the least.

From a girl who’s been called being too friendly to boys, both young and old, heed my advice when I tell you, dear friend, that good things really come to those who wait and especially to those who play hard to get.

Actually. No.


I don’t think I can ever be that girl my friends have been telling me I should be. This girl who keeps her feelings and kilig to herself. This girl who doesn’t share stories about a boy she likes unless they’re already together. This girl who doesn’t grab every opportunity to talk to the boy she crushes on. I’m not like that, and I don’t think I ever will be.

But hear this. Good and lasting relationships require independence but are not made of it nor will they immediately crumble without this supposed freedom from each other. The person that I was in that relationship loved the idea that I had a life out of the relationship, that the relationship seemed like an add-on to my life. And it turned out to be just that, just something you ask for when you feel like it, but also something you can do without. It’s bad, really really bad, to think of a relationship that way because commitment is simply not a word you play around with.

You never heard me say it, but I really valued that commitment. It didn’t seem like I did, just as it didn’t look like I was affected of the break-up. It did matter to me, in levels you might not have felt or heard or even seen.

But it’s been a year, and people just get tired. It’s been a year of foolishly hoping for things to get better. I’d be lying if I said I never wished that you’d try to win me back and that I’d say yes. But it has always been a losing fight, and I just find myself losing every time I try to move. I hate losing. Posting this would readily knock me out in the open, but it’s okay. This will be the last.


The last few paragraphs are obviously not meant for just anyone who happens to pass by. Haha. 

EDIT: Ugh, it sounds so cheesy. I'm like writing my own version of Bella Swan from Twilight's thoughts. This shouldn't stay posted forever. Hahaha. Read this one instead!!! I swear I cried from this scene until the end of the film. 


Will Donner's letter to Emma in the film Waiting For Forever:

Dear Emma,


Those two words, ‘Dear Emma’ take me away to way another time when we use to write to each other after mom and dad died. I used to tell you about my new friends and my new life. And you used to tell me about the grand time my mom and dad were having in heaven. Truth is nothing. What you believe to be true is everything. And the main thing that I used to believe was that I would be with you forever.


Forever. The reason it is taking me so long to write you is that I have seen that I have been a fool. I have spent my life fooling myself.


Every letter I’ve ever written to you has been a love letter. How could they have been anything else? I can see now that all of them, except this one, were bad love letters.


Bad love letters beg for love back. Good love letters ask for nothing. This, I’m pleased to announce, is my first good love letter to you. Because there is nothing more for you to do. You already done everything. I have enough of you in my head to last forever. So please don’t ever worry about me. I’m peachy! I really am. I have everything.


If i had one wish, it would be that your life brings you a taste of happiness that you have brought to me. That you could feel what it’s like to love.



Your friend forever,
Will


Sunday, November 6, 2011

To San Juan!


During the last weekend before the end of what seemed like an uneventful sembreak, I decided to join my med school friends to a beach trip in Laiya. And although the beach trip in itself was super fun (because anything that involves beach and booze is bound to be awesome), let me tell you a little about the “road trip” I’ve had going to San Juan and back to Batangas.

Contrary to what most people would think about kids coming from “the province”, we don’t usually wake up every morning with a view of rice fields and carabaos/cows outside our bedroom windows. Maybe mornings in Batangas are less noisy than those I’ve experienced in Katipunan or UST, but definitely no cows near our house. The only time I actually see these rice fields and trees and goats and cows would be during those journeys to the beach or to some faraway place with me just sleeping for most part of the trip.

But this time around, I had no choice but to stay awake and enjoy the surroundings. Because instead of having the luxury of having my dad drive for us to wherever we want, I had to commute all the way to San Juan on my own. Just so you know, I told my parents I was just commuting to Lipa City which, should I say, is a safe zone for commuters like me. I’ve never ridden any public transport to San Juan mainly because I never knew you can actually take that option to get to the beach. I’ve always thought that Laiya was no place for jeepneys or buses. But thanks to my friend who happens to live in San Juan (lucky girl I tell her), I have learned of this bus line named Supreme Bus Company that travels from Batangas City to Lucena via Ibaan-Rosario-San Juan-God knows where. Don’t mind all those unfamiliar places I just mentioned, you probably won’t understand anyway.

Supreme Bus No. 4004


So to Laiya I go! Luckily, I have discovered that the terminal, as in the actual terminal of Supreme buses was very near our village. This was very helpful since it saves me time from asking other people where I can find this magic bus. But good bye to my cushioned, air-conditioned and DVD-on board buses and hello to dilapidated (not to mention crappy and sakit-sa-pwet) seats and Batangas breeze Supreme buses. My parents would not allow me to get on this kind of bus had they known that I was to ride them for about 1 ½ hours to go to San Juan. It looked like the bus was ready to split in half just as we were driving through the zig-zag roads. What can you possibly expect from a meager bus fare of 60 Pesos anyway? Maybe it was that bad, but the calming view and the “fresh” air plus a few hours to zone out (have I mentioned I was traveling alone?) made the bus ride worth it. Secretly, I felt like I was Christopher McCandless  from Into The Wild with matching backpack, shades and unkempt hair (due to the wind). It was like I was on an adventure even if it was just for a while. The bus had that perfect countryside feel into it, because of the worn out wood interiors and raised windows. If I had workable video cam, I would’ve videotaped myself. Or not.

 Sorry, these shots were the closest thing I could get to achieve a scenic shot :(

When I got to San Juan, I had a few hours to waste since the bus ride was surprisingly fast and since my friends were still on their way to Batangas. I decided to go sight-seeing, just to see if there’s anything more to San Juan than just Cafeno and the beaches. San Juan Poblacion, being the typical small town that it is, can be explored in about 30 minutes. That’s with me taking my time to look at the old houses and looking for lomi houses in the area. What I find most beautiful though was the town church. I have been going to Laiya ever since I was a chubby little girl, but I don’t remember passing by the church ever or even knowing that there was this very peaceful and beautiful (I have to say it again) church in San Juan. That’s one more thing to love about this town! Trust me when I say it’s really something that’s worth going to before you head to the beach. I’ve been to a lot of churches and this one has to be one of the nicest ones I have ever been to. Same level as Caleruega maybe. So just in case you’re going to the beach, make sure you turn left from the national highway when you see the new Puregold Jr. At the end of this road would be the church that stands beside the high school with blue-colored buildings and walls. You know you’re going the wrong way when you see small houses instead of a church at the dead end.

 Looks normal from the outside

Beautifuuul on the inside! :)


And to cap off my mini adventure in San Juan Poblacion, a meal at Cafenowas not to be missed. Must-try’s would be the Pandan iced tea and tamales (which is in truth your sticky suman). I love home-y caf├ęs and all their quaint little furniture that go well with the ambience of the restaurant.



If the adventure going to San Juan was all smooth sailing, the ride was literally an adventure (maybe a little if you allow me to exaggerate). Remember what I said about the bus looking like it was about to break down? God must’ve hated me a little for not telling the truth that He played a trick on my bus and caused it to fall apart just as we were crossing Rosario. Haha. Buti na lang may jeep. I didn’t have enough patience and perhaps enough luck to wait for the next bus to come. I wasn’t sure then if that was the right jeepney to ride, but I’m home now aren't I? So good save!

I loved how everything seemed to work out okay in the end. Even if my parents went crazy panic again (this wasn’t the first time I’ve made them go frantic) last night because they couldn’t contact me since there weren’t any signal in Kota Keluarga. How crazy? They called up the municipal jail to check if I was still alive and see if they can go look for me. Haha. But I love my parents. And note to self: if there’s no signal, look for a landline phone.

Next time, I should go on a legit Alexander Supertramp adventure, and not die of course. 

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Too Many Just's

If you happen to be reading this post now, hopefully you're able to see the new changes I've made with my header. Too obvious for you not to notice, I assume.

This is the reason why I've been putting my 2nd semestral homework reading on hold -- me trying to get Paint to work, because Photoshop was just too complicated for me. I figured it wasn't something I can learn on my own and would require someone really good at it or at least someone who can tell me how I can put a background color to my picture. And as you can see, this doesn't look like it's something that's been worked on for three nights. :-< But I swear, I really tried to work hard on this one. It's just that it came to a point na bahala na, all this layout and HTML codes are making me dizzy. No one aside from a few friends and random strangers from Singapore and Canada read this little blog anyway. Maybe in a few days, I'll have an OC streak and try to get that header photo done properly. For now, please excuse the really really bad drawing and handwriting. In my head, doing something from scratch would be really cool, but obviously, I'm not very good at this. I draw like a preschooler. Haha.

And if you've noticed, my blog title's been changed. I felt like I can't live up to the old title "From the Ocean and From the Hills" even if I really loved that line and what it meant. It's just that I haven't gotten around finishing to read the book where I got that line from, so technically, that makes me a poser for using that line without even getting to the half of the book. But just so you know, I got this line from this Japanese children's story book entitled Totto-Chan. It's really cute and actually deeper than what you'd expect from a children's story book. I'd tell you more about it, but then again, as mentioned, I'm not yet done reading it. :(

So I tried to come up with something witty or riveting (rrrriveting when spoken sounds so sophisticated, I don't know why), but since I'm not entirely gifted with a talent for word play or wit, I, again "stole" a line from a book. At least this time, it's from a book I've actually finished and understood.

"A Show for the Moon" comes from Katniss Everdeen's thoughts in The Hunger Games' last book, Mockingjay. It's not exactly part of those quotable quotes that the book had tons of, but just one of the ways Katniss described the situation in one of the torn down districts of Panem. And it's not exactly the most poetic line anyone has ever heard, but then again, I never said I was going for anything poetic or anything too deep here.

I mentioned how this little blog of mine might probably have just a handful of readers. My dashboard says I have about 5 followers (whoa right), so that makes up a hand right? So I'm practically here, writing an entry for the moon and in some way, for myself and for my relief. I never really intended for my blog to be read by other people. As stupid as it may seem, I wanted it to stay private and deeply personal in this bare-it-all frenzy of the Internet. Maybe because I didn't want a lot of people judging how bad my writing gets most of the time, with all that redundancy and lack of better word to use. But more importantly, people have their own way of interpreting what I write in ways that I never intended them to and this just makes everything so so complicated. Trust me on this one. I've gotten into misunderstandings with real people because I couldn't keep myself from typing down my thoughts. :s

And just to add a little spice to what is otherwise a useless entry, I give you this.

photo from Vanity Fair

I can't wait for the movie!!! I was expecting they'd get a cuter Peeta Mellark but the blonde guy (I don't know his name) doesn't seem so bad. Liam Hemsworth seems like the perfect guy to play the role of Gale Hawthorne because of all that ruggedness and stubble. I need more photos like this one because the trailer just sucks so bad. :( 

Sunday, October 30, 2011

Brewing Thoughts


The family and I were having dinner earlier at this really nice restaurant called Casa Marikit in Lipa City when we noticed the waiters going up to the second floor of the restaurant to deliver three bouquets of roses for a lady sitting alone in the veranda. Trailing behind the waiters was this guy holding a single white rose with a ribbon tied on to the stem. From the looks of it, a proposal awaits.

I wonder how it feels like to be in that girl’s position, to sit unknowingly in that table, waiting for your boyfriend to arrive with a question in hand. Pretty tough I presume. I’ve never actually thought of my wedding to be honest. Like how or where it’ll be. Marriage has crossed my mind a number of times, but the actually wedding has always been a blur or was something I considered to be a surprise. What crossed my mind more often than marriage or weddings was the idea of being alone…forever. Haha. I think there is greater fear in ending up alone than having someone like Jonah Hill for a husband. But then again, I think I’d like Jonah Hill. He’s funny.

***

Two days ago, I got the chance to visit the public cemetery here in Batangas. I can’t remember the last time I’ve been to a public cemetery or if I’ve ever been to one. I’ve always been used to the vast green gardens of Eternal Gardens where the mausoleums look like real houses (even better sometimes) and where people go to have picnics and afternoon bike rides. Call me disrespectful or whatever but public cemeteries seem to miss the point why cemeteries even exist – to find a place for the dead where they can rest in peace. I understand that anything that’s public or government-owned is likely to be unmaintained, crowded, grimy and generally substandard, but maybe a part of me was hoping cemeteries could be an exception to this. The tombstones were like huge cobblestones that people step on to, as if no one’s buried under that stone. Most of the tombstones don’t even have names written on them to indicate who lies there. And while some do have well-written tombstones, they’re already covered with moss, dead leaves, dried tree branches, random trash and melted candles. I’m writing this down because it just looks disturbing to me, especially when I compare it to the ones I see in private cemeteries where there is enough space for each dead person to “breathe” or even roll around the grass or soil if they want to.

***

I want a tattoo. And maybe a dog too, but a tattoo seems more probable at this time. I’ve been scanning through Tumblr and found some great designs that I can probably tweak a bit to make them seem more personal.


I figured I can’t have the huge, dark looking ones since I don’t really enjoy seeing skulls or spiky vines on my skin. But then I was also contemplating if I should get a cutesy one like this bunny because getting something like this might just officially epitomize my pacute-ness. Ugh. I can’t be pacute forever. Pacute days must die and must not be seen in my future tattoos. What story will I tell my children about this bunny tattoo, that I was once (and probably still am) a pacute little girl? I wanted a watermelon, but it still looks childish right? It’s just that I’ve always associated that fruit with summer and I love the summer season. Mmm.

Must.Resist.Totoro :-<

I’m still thinking of something, anything that describes me or at least tells a story about me. I want my first to have a story, to have an epic tale behind it. Okay so maybe not so epic, but something really personal feel to it. So friends, help me! Help me with my story so I can get inked soon. I’m not sure why I want this, but I just I know I do.

As for the dog, I just watched Hachi: A Dog’s Tale and a dog really looked a great friend, a forever ally. It seems so comforting to go home every day with someone or something like that to greet you.