Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Hey.

So guess what, my dad’s in the hospital right now. He’s really really sick; he’s staying in the ICU for about 24 hours just so he won’t get any worse than he already is. I’ve known people who entered the ICU but never got to come out of it feeling, well, better. I’m scared shit right now, if you’re wondering how I’m feeling. Trying to maintain every bit of hope that I can possibly grapple. Incidentally, I just finished my first shift in med school today. I survived the first three months of school, and that my friend was supposed to be a big achievement already! But I can’t bring myself to this state of celebration and euphoria when I know I have a sick father lying in a hospital bed. Fuck, I can’t even imagine him wearing hospital gowns or having tubes inserted everywhere in his face. You see, my dad was not supposed to be that kind of guy. He never had that image in my head – weak, intubated, crashing (I refuse to use the word dying).

I went to school today to take my shifting exam, trying to pull off a happy face. I think I did pretty well. I laughed a little, hung out for a while with my friends, and broke the news of me not going to Saturday’s party because my dad’s sick, said with not even a hint of fear or anxiety. Then I come home and had the urge to talk to someone, to tell someone that I’m just really really scared for the future, for what’s to come after this. I keep on having these thoughts about my life in the event that you know... Will I have to drop out and get a high-paying job? Do I have to stay in Batangas to be with my mom? I know, it’s sick that I’m talking about these things and posting them online, but shit, I’m just really scared. I don’t want to have these thoughts, I don’t want anything really bad to happen, but at the same time, I also don’t want to be unprepared. Unprepared seems like the right word to describe everything about me right now.

I don’t know, I just felt like telling you. But I hope you don’t take this as me trying to get something out of you. I’m not writing this to be pitied or to be confided. I just really had to let someone know and to not be judged for these things.

I just want to go home, see my family and wake up from this awful, awful dream.

Anyway, I just wanted to let you know. Hope all is well for you, and please continue praying for my dad.

This is the longer version of a message I sent to a friend.

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