Tuesday, August 23, 2011

What Happened Over the Weekend

I was gonna write a really long and sentimental post on how much I love my dad and how much I have learned the importance of family, but then I realize, I think I write too much of that stuff. And well, I feel like I’m turning this blog into one mushy dump of emotions. Don’t get me wrong, I love my dad and my family (God knows how much I’ve said this the past weekend), but yeah, that’s not how I roll these days. (My med school classmates think I’m the chill kind of person. I laugh at this remark.)

I found my defense mechanism. I am an escapist. On the day my dad was frantically transferred from Batangas City to Global City, I was comfortably watching Steve Carrell’s latest movie at SM Manila and playing hooky instead of attending three of my classes that day. Just so you know, I’m not usually like this. I really am responsible; as much as possible, I never cut my classes in college. But I don’t know, I just wasn’t ready to go to school last Friday. I didn’t want to go through retelling my friends why I cut classes the day before and how my dad was doing. And aside from that, I was secretly scared I’d just break down in front of my classmates.

And while everyone else was inside the ER, waiting and watching as the nurses try to stabilize my dad’s condition, I tried to stay as far as possible from that scene. I can’t stand seeing my dad like that because I know very well that that image will haunt me for a really long time. So I went out into the lobby, pretended to check Facebook and Gmail, did anything to distract myself.

I’ve always known myself as someone who tries to stay away when things get tough. When I feel like something’s getting heavy or at least too heavy for me to handle, it’s time to step back and just leave it. Awful strategy to think of I know, but I think I never really had the patience to try and push myself to lessen the baggage. It’s like when you buy a meal, let’s say bangus sisig from Gerry’s Grill. After a few servings, you realize it doesn’t taste good (it really doesn’t taste good in case you’re interested). You can either do two things: suck it up and finish the food because you don’t want it to get wasted or you leave it and I don’t know, get something else probably. I always, always go for the latter. I probably wouldn’t order another meal, but I’d most likely just let the sisig get cold.

My point is, defense mechanisms exist not because they’re supposed to help us feel better, maybe just as a form of a very very fragile shield. As far as I can remember, there isn’t really any good kind of defense mechanisms. I mean, you can’t actually categorize these psychological things as good or bad because we all know psychology equates to gray areas. These mechanisms exist primarily because we can’t face the immediate problem and so resort to something that’s actually kind of silly. Think throwing things around like a sick baby when you find out you lost a bet or something. They’re like your oh-no-I’m-caught-off-guard reactions. And defense mechanisms are not supposed to be arbitrary. Again, I’m not sure if I’m saying the right things. You can check for yourself; when someone says something that takes you aback or at least surprises you, how do you react? And from there, you can actually tell that more often than not, people would have similar spontaneous defenses.

I said more than what I intended to, and so maybe I'll put the rest of my thoughts to some downtime. And just to make myself clear, I really am thankful that my dad's gotten better since the last sad post I wrote. I wouldn't have this tone of writing if things weren't going okay. I'm thankful, very very grateful.

The doctors still have to figure out what the infection is because leptospirosis also came out negative and because his platelet count is continuously going down with a high grade fever on the side. Please continue to pray for him and maybe a little for my family too? We're in dire need of peace of mind.

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