Thursday, September 1, 2011

Grades Are Out

A friend texted this morning reminding me that it’s already September which means Christmas is near. And I did actually feel the Christmas air today. The air was cooler and walking to school in the noontime sun didn’t feel so hot anymore.

Christmas spirit my ass. Today seriously did not feel like the start of Christmas. Sorry for the use of words, but GUUUH!

Let me share something about myself that most of my friends know about me and something you might have probably guessed about me, even. I am grade-conscious. I am a walking grades-tracker. And because I am very very much obsessed about my grades, I tend to be very competitive. I’m a crab; sometimes, I think I’m unconsciously pulling people down just so I won’t feel so bad that I get low grades on an exam. It’s crazy, and I can’t get rid of this evil girl inside my head. (It’s ironic. While writing this, Urbandub’s Soul Searching is playing in the background. Funny.)

So after more than a week of waiting, the first shifting grades are out. I already told myself a week ago that it’s fine if I don’t get really high grades. It’s a tough time for me – adjusting to the school, to the study habits, to the lifestyle, to the culture, to new classmates, to everything. Hence it should be expected that I won’t be getting high shifting grades, but passing the shift should not be impossible, right? But regardless of the mental preparation that I’ve put myself into, it still feels so different when your facilitator hands you that slip of paper with your computed grades. And then you see your classmates’ grades, so you feel even worse.

Oh hay gulay. When did grades even start to matter?

I’ve had my share of lectures and deep conversations with friends about grades not defining who we are and how they’re just numbers. I mean, I know all of this and I’ve heard those lines over and over, but again, why? Why do grades matter? (I am using too many question marks, and it feels like awkward). And to make it worse, I have this feeling that in med school, the higher your grades are, the more popular or the better-looking you get. It’s possible, believe me. It feels like there’s a direct relationship between your grades and your popularity or appeal. It sounds silly and funny, but it can also be true. I mean, popularity or looks isn’t my issue here, I’m just saying how grades seem to matter so much now, even more than they did before during high school or college. That grades not only determine you passing or failing, but also your chances of improving your social life maybe? This is a theory I am yet to prove, but I digress.

I’m 21 years old and I should’ve outgrown this GC phase the way I’ve outgrown pop punk and emo music. But nooo. I’m old and whining about my stupid grades. I feel childish and unreasonable, but at the same time, I can’t hide the feeling that this really is an issue for me and that my grades really do matter dearly to me.

But you know what I really want, what I deeply want in my life for so long? To feel that I’ve worked hard enough for something, to have that peace of mind that yes, I’ve done well and have given enough to bring about something great, something that I can be proud of, and maybe to see that my efforts are not put to waste. Yes I know, I ask for the impossible.

3 comments:

  1. thank you mia! hahahah. at least I know, am not alone in the battle against GCness and pushing oneself. eerrrr!

    anu ka ba, stop worrying..kaya mo yan! ikaw pa. Go,go,go! HUUUUG!:)

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