Thursday, December 29, 2011

Year of Stories

There is something very therapeutic about leafing through pages of my old planners and just reading past notes that I don’t even remember why they were there in the first place. Earlier tonight, I found my 2010 and 2011 planners and started going through the months. A tip to my mom in case she’s trying to look for skeletons in my closet: start with my planner, you’re bound to find a lot there. Hehe. And note to self: find a better hiding place for my planners. Going back, I’ve ranted so so much this year and even the past year how unlucky I’ve been in the past and recently. How I’ve lost so much in the past two years and how distraught my life has seemed to evolve. There’s just so much drama written on my planner and in this blog that a part of me actually feels shameful (HAHA) for seeing myself this way. Like I’m this forsaken girl that’s been deprived of so many things when in fact, life wasn’t so bad after all.

I was quick to judge 2011 as a continuation of an awful 2010 that I didn’t see through the blessings I’ve received this year. I was probably getting so used to the idea that I can no longer be too complacent that things will go my way that in spite of a good thing that happens to me, I always rethink and rethink that this good karma is just a quick break from a really long downfall. And I realize (sadly too late) that this is a really really bad way of thinking. I can go on talking about this epiphany and add more emotions to this but I’m starting anew. 2010 and 2011 have given me all the drama and emotions I could ever feel. And I think I’m done with that phase. I can feel my metabolism going slower and younger people’s interests getting more and more irrelevant to me. I can never get back those two years of thinking one good thing equates to so many things, but I’m hopeful that the coming year/s would be a shower of awesomeness not just to me, but hopefully to everyone else who needs it and deserves it as well.

And because I’m really positive about this year, I’ve started early by creating my own version of a vision board. I’m short on the creative side, so I opted for a mini vision board on my planner instead of a huge one I just saw from an episode of Two Broke Girls. My board has everything I want for next year to be filled with: family, friends, faith, contentment, courage, and adventures.

I’m very thankful with how my family has become this year. I would say this has to be the most trying year for our family, with my father’s hospitalization and everything else involved in it. These challenges proved to be but bridges to help us be stronger as a family. I can’t recall the last time I’ve spent Christmas with my cousins and actually felt grateful to be part of this family. I’m praying hard that something this warm and uplifting isn’t temporary.

Graduation and new school made it challenging for me to keep old friends and make new ones. This blog has been witness to my childish rants of wanting to fit in to my new school and keeping my social life alive. Some things never seem to grow old. The issues about friends that I’ve had since grade school remain to be the same issues after graduation. To the old friends who still stick around, cheers to you. And to new friends that I’ve felt like I’ve known for years (when in fact we’ve only met six months ago), here’s to a lifetime of hopefully working together.

Somewhere along the way, I think I might have lost sense of God and what my actual relationship with Him was. I don’t normally talk of religion or of my personal faith since I’m not the most religious person in the world, but tonight will be a bit of an exception. Maybe it’s the inconvenience of the school chapel being very far from my building that I’ve lost the habit of visiting the church every morning the way I used to in college or the lack of time to pray that might have caused this, shall I say, rift I’ve had with my personal faith. There was a time that I kept on questioning God why so many “un-Godly” things have been happening to me that, I guess, it came to a point I got too tired to wait for answers and tried to seek for answers independently. I’ve reconsidered trying other “views” of God, partly because I can see how much they’ve changed (in a good way) my friends and relatives and largely because of this doubt that just piled up in my head. But I don’t think I’m ready for that or for anything when I know I’m still on shaky ground. I highly respect other people’s beliefs of God but I think getting into something just to escape something that confuses me is probably not the best reason to change my faith.

One of the things I’ve lost this year was that courage or more fittingly that value for self that I should’ve kept strong when I graduated from college. I’m not sure if this even has to be said (what with the seemingly endless posts I’ve had about med school), but this obviously has to be my weakest suit. But I’ve got to steal back to my thunder.

I’m happy to realize that I wasn’t short of going on adventures this year. My lack of achievements was compensated for by the different places I’ve been to in 2011. This is something I’m happy for for this year. I’ve been to new provinces in Luzon, some of which my parents weren’t even aware of. Haha. And I’m wishing I’ll have more of those next year.

So I was reading a Feng Shui 2012 prediction magazine and learned that those born in the year of the horse are bound to have a very busy and busog year ahead. I had to confirm this and checked for the 2012 prediction for Geminis and what do you know, the stars seem to like me. But then again, I don’t want to get ahead of myself and end up with no eggs in my basket, so I’m just going to leave these predictions on the palm of my hand and let everything fall into place the way they should.

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

On Marriage and Getting There

Remember how in high school (or even college), girls would incessantly talk about their incoming debuts? Somehow, it has always been the event that most girls would look forward to during that time. But as soon as people graduate or reach their 20’s, what’s next in line to every person’s milestone would be marriage. I’m skipping graduation and job only because I’m not sure if these things count as milestones.

So marriage.

Somehow, the topic of marriage finds its way in the conversations I’ve had with college friends or high school friends. And the favorite subtopic under this huge umbrella is the question, “who will get married among us first?” My friends and I would give names of people whom we think would get married before everyone else did. So far, none of my blockmates and high school friends have tied the knot. This is largely due to the fact that most of us are in our early 20’s that you’d have to be crazy in love to get married at 21 or 22. And I just can’t imagine how my friends would go through that transition from being friends to boyfriends/girlfriends to husbands/wives. Husband and wife seem like really big and foreign words to me. But this streak has ended when one of my classmates in med school just got married last weekend.
One thing I realize from my classmate’s wedding was that it really feels different when it’s someone you know who gets married, when it’s someone who is, more or less, going through the same stress of med school as you, and when it’s someone you see in class everyday. I mean, I’m not particularly close to this classmate, he probably wouldn’t count me as a friend, but nonetheless, the fact remains that we are classmates and so, the connection stays. And the point here is, there really is no turning back. Marriage is a fact.

I mean, all of us are really getting older and in one way or another, we’d all have to face this reality of having to live with another person for the rest of our lives. And I’m not quite sure about how I feel regarding marriage. It’s there alright, and every girl dreams of a Jason Magbanua wedding video, but to be honest, I’m not particularly excited about it, about the idea of weddings or marriage per se.

I do get gushy and teary-eyed when watching wedding videos and listening to other people’s love stories, but the thing is, I was never the affectionate girl and being so made me turn off thoughts about my own wedding plans. Maybe it’s because I haven’t really found anyone who would take up that position of the man I’ll be with forever. I guess that’s probably the main reason why marriage still seems sooo far away from me.  

But at the same time, a part of me is really scared that I won’t get married…ever. I can’t be a spinster. L I love the idea of an independent and free life alone, but not for the rest of my life. Living alone, eating alone, watching movies alone and having fun alone have their fun days, but to do these things alone forever is just unbearable. Don’t get me wrong, I admire the single ladies who have reached their golden years and have remained happy, but I’m just not that kind of person who would want to rely only on herself forever.

Okay, so maybe I’m more of scared of not getting married. It’s not really about being apathetic about it, but more of the fear that it might never happen for me. *Knocks really hard on wood*

So here’s to hoping for the right man to meet, marry and have kids with in God’s perfect time!

P.S. Please come before I reach 29 :-s