Friday, October 26, 2012

Things I Have To Do

It has always been my greatest frustration to have a talent. I grew up thinking that every person should have at least one talent. People who can sing, people who can dance, people who can draw really well, people who can play sports, and people who can play instruments. Sadly, I am neither one of those people. I've always been scared of show-your-talent game or those type of games that require you to do something as a consequence, becuase duh, what do I have to show? Maybe that's why I was never made to join beuty pageants either. Chos. But seriously speaking, I really want to be good at something. You know, something legit like playing the piano or taking artsy fartsy, hipster-ish photos. Why why why, when God showered this world with talents, I was not blessed to have one when there are people out there, people like my friends, who have limitless talents???

It's not like I never tried. I mean, if talents cannot be given to me by nature, as my Psychology profs always, everything else is 50% nurture. When I was younger, I'd ask my parents if I join summer classes in school. I tried soooo many. Karate, Taekwondo, ballet, dancing workshops, but all ended up so badly that it felt like I was not meant for these things. I thought my talent could be my brain. Somehow, college made me feel like I can be the smart but no so pretty child of the family, but boom comes med school, and my "smartness" burned into ashes. And now, I feel like I'm back to my 7-year old self, insecure that I am not like my classmates who can play the guitar and can sing really well and can spell really really well.

I hope you don't take me for someone who gives up so quickly, because you see, I really am very open into trying new things. It's just that when you're in med school, studying takes up most of your time that you don't have the time nor the energy to do anything else. And in case you ever find the time, you use it scouring every stall in Mercato or sleeping off the weariness. It's becoming a cycle actually.

But this time around, I will not succumb. I have been contemplating long and hard today of the things that I want to do with my life. What is the use of my 20's of I don't use this period of my life to try the craziest and new things out there?

So I made a list. 25 things before 25. I actually haven't reached 25 things to do actually, but listing down everything has to be thought of meticulously. This time around, I have to take into consideration so many things like time, money, academic load and shiz. So anyway, here's the first 10 on my list.

1. Finish a 21K run
2. Climb a mountain
3. Bake a cake/cupcake/bread
4. Learn the basics of watercolor painting
5. Shoot in film
6. Make my own jewelry from scratch
7. Surf in La Union
8. Join a zumba class
9. Start going to the gym
10. Make my own blog template
11. Drive alone

I know, they all sound pretty simple enough to do right? But that's the point exactly. These things I listed a so do-able but at the same time, I ask myself why they are still on my to-do list? It's about time I take a few baby steps into actually transferring them from my to-do list to my already-done list. Promise, I have such list, one of which includes skinny dipping with friends. Haha.

I just hope that this list will not go unnoticed and that I will actually take it seriously. Inalso haveto remind myself to add 14 more items. Till then!

Sunday, October 21, 2012

Back From The Dead (or not)

I'm baaack!!! After months of posting nothing, not even a random tumblr picture, I am actually back!

So many reasons for my absence, one of which is my lack of a laptop. After more than five years of being my constant companion, my laptop has finally given up on me. Well, not quite. It just started acting really weird. First, the backlight wasn't working anymore and then the arrow keys were all weird, and so when i inquired on how much I have to pay to get it fixed, the technician said I might as well buy a new notebook instead of having it fixed. Oh well, it was time to move on. So now, I am stuck using my iPad to type. It's a lot more tedious to use since my chubby fingers tend to press too many keys at the same time. So in case weird words come up, blame my stubby fingers.

Aside from my obsolete laptop, this semester is probably the number one reason why I wasn't able to post, nor even check blogger. :( no words can describe the emotional, mental, physical, and spiritual torture that I went through in the last five months. From June until mid-October, I have done nothing but coop up in Starbucks from 8AM until they close around midnight. I swear, during that whole time, I was just there, trying to understand whatever lesson or exam we'll have for next week. It's been really tortuous, I feel like I've already conditioned myself to think that Starbucks Dapitan is not a happy place.

When I tell my friends how I'm having such a hard time in med school, they always seem to shove it off and simply say that I'll get through and that I really don't mean it when I say I'm failing. Well actually, back in college, I probably do say that a lot of times, but seriously, I actually do feel like I'm failing. I have never been so scared to take an exam in my life knowing that this test, this score will make or break my future. Seriously, future talaga. Imagine if I fail an exam which is like 20% of my grade, that would mean I already failed the subject which would mean that I have to repeat one whole year of med school for this stupid one-unit subject. It gets that stressful knowing that every mistake will actually cause a domino effect to the rest of my life. I hate stress and I hate that I cannot do anything but suck it up and live with it. Sometimes, I just wish people can be more tolerant about it.

I probably am the worst friend this sem, too. I've declined so many invites from friends because I am tired. Too tired to even take a bath, too tired to get ready for a night-out after a really long day of being challenged mentally. Some might have mistaken it for laziness, but really, there are nights that I'd go home and cry. I dunno why I cry, maybe I'm just tired. Or maybe I'm sad. It's hard to distinguish now whether I'm just tired or if I'm actually experiencing a state of sadness. But in all honesty, I don't recall being truly happy in the past few months.

Ugh. I'm ending this now. I don't like the lack of fluidity that's coming from this post. Promise tomorrow, maybe i'll do better.