Sunday, October 21, 2012

Back From The Dead (or not)

I'm baaack!!! After months of posting nothing, not even a random tumblr picture, I am actually back!

So many reasons for my absence, one of which is my lack of a laptop. After more than five years of being my constant companion, my laptop has finally given up on me. Well, not quite. It just started acting really weird. First, the backlight wasn't working anymore and then the arrow keys were all weird, and so when i inquired on how much I have to pay to get it fixed, the technician said I might as well buy a new notebook instead of having it fixed. Oh well, it was time to move on. So now, I am stuck using my iPad to type. It's a lot more tedious to use since my chubby fingers tend to press too many keys at the same time. So in case weird words come up, blame my stubby fingers.

Aside from my obsolete laptop, this semester is probably the number one reason why I wasn't able to post, nor even check blogger. :( no words can describe the emotional, mental, physical, and spiritual torture that I went through in the last five months. From June until mid-October, I have done nothing but coop up in Starbucks from 8AM until they close around midnight. I swear, during that whole time, I was just there, trying to understand whatever lesson or exam we'll have for next week. It's been really tortuous, I feel like I've already conditioned myself to think that Starbucks Dapitan is not a happy place.

When I tell my friends how I'm having such a hard time in med school, they always seem to shove it off and simply say that I'll get through and that I really don't mean it when I say I'm failing. Well actually, back in college, I probably do say that a lot of times, but seriously, I actually do feel like I'm failing. I have never been so scared to take an exam in my life knowing that this test, this score will make or break my future. Seriously, future talaga. Imagine if I fail an exam which is like 20% of my grade, that would mean I already failed the subject which would mean that I have to repeat one whole year of med school for this stupid one-unit subject. It gets that stressful knowing that every mistake will actually cause a domino effect to the rest of my life. I hate stress and I hate that I cannot do anything but suck it up and live with it. Sometimes, I just wish people can be more tolerant about it.

I probably am the worst friend this sem, too. I've declined so many invites from friends because I am tired. Too tired to even take a bath, too tired to get ready for a night-out after a really long day of being challenged mentally. Some might have mistaken it for laziness, but really, there are nights that I'd go home and cry. I dunno why I cry, maybe I'm just tired. Or maybe I'm sad. It's hard to distinguish now whether I'm just tired or if I'm actually experiencing a state of sadness. But in all honesty, I don't recall being truly happy in the past few months.

Ugh. I'm ending this now. I don't like the lack of fluidity that's coming from this post. Promise tomorrow, maybe i'll do better.

2 comments:

  1. I'll make you happy when I get home!! Heehee. I love and miss you! I'll bring pom poms with me and sing 'Go Mia' for you! :)

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  2. Just what I needed, thank you babe! :)

    And OMGGGG! may domain name ka na!!!! Sobrang cool!!! I've been out of blogger for so long, I don't get to check your blog :(

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