Tuesday, July 9, 2013

After one month into 3rd year of med school, I find myself completely lost. I’ve been denying it for weeks now, thinking maybe I’m just not mastering the correct study habits or maybe my mind’s still too preoccupied from summer. After 4 weeks, I’m already struggling to catch up on my exams. Seriously, this isn’t another I’m-so-grade-conscious post. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I try to stay up late every night to study for my exams but I just can’t seem to do well in most of them.

I’ve been contemplating and I realize I feel like I’m missing out on a very important detail. Like I’m not functioning all too well ‘cause I’m missing a part of my machine. I know everyone feels like that sometimes, but is it possible to feel like this for most of the day? I mean, sure I can go on doing my daily activities, but at the end of the day, when I come home, everything just feels like I let the day pass by me. Ugh, how do I explain this? I think, what I’m really trying to say is, I feel unhappy. With myself. With my present situation. With my behaviour. With my goals.

A part of this comes from the fact that I really don’t have much friends in school right now. I have my solid group of friends, but aside from them, I just feel so disconnected with everyone else. I used to think that UST isn’t a place for people wanting to meet different kinds of people, given the one class-one classroom set-up the school has. But in a class of more than 100 students, how come I only have a handful with whom I confide with deeply? There must be something wrong with how I present myself to others right?

I want to change myself, to be the better person, but somehow, it’s been a month-long struggle. When people already have this set of emotions, reactions, behaviour attributed to you in their head, it just seems so difficult to go beyond it. Everything I do just seems unreal or unlike me, as they say. But what if I don’t like who I am right now? How can I improve myself when I can’t even be given the benefit of doubt to try to be better, to be good at the very least.

Sometimes I hate myself for not getting past these intermittent emotional crises; it just feels like I never mature. I want to get past all of this, to move on and to be able to feel something again and to have something to look forward to at the end of the day. 

Monday, May 6, 2013

Do or Dye, Tie-Dye

Tonight was activity night! My siblings and I had enough energy left for the day to have our very own tie-dye night. There’s something about tie-dye that usually reminds me of summer. But then again it also reminds me of dusters my mom (and fine, me too) usually wears at night. But it’s colorful and fun and bright and happy and high, so who can say no to do that, right? And yes, I was diligent enough to take pictures of the step by step-ish process of a DIY-ed tie-dyed shirt/sando.

First, make sure you have the following:
Old plastic basins/tabo/microwaveable containers that are too opaque to be even used for food. Use those, since the dye might stain on your container.

 DYE, but get these ones. In Batangas, we call them jubos, I don’t know if they’re called the same if you buy them at National Bookstore. Haha. But I think, the local bookstores don’t sell this brand, but something like Sunshine or Venus? Don’t get those, they don’t stain as well as these babies do. If you want to get the real thing, come by our store in Batangas and ask for jubos. It’s priced at four pesos per envelope and one envelope’s already enough to fill a whole tub of ice cream. Cheap di ba?

You’ll also need rock salt. My brother said they help hasten the dye-ing part, I don’t know how salt does that, so just do it anyway. A pinch of salt per tub of color should do it.

Warm water to dissolve the dye, since dye comes in powder in case you’re too sosyal to know that. It’s like water color, but not paste-like in consistency.

Rubber bands to keep your shirt in place while you pour the dye on the shirt. And your white shirt. I got my dad’s old sando he usually wears to sleep for my trial run. I think white works best for tie-dye, since as you’ll see later, using darker colored shirts doesn’t really bring out the true joy tie-dye secretly brings.

Okay, let’s go.

So in a tub of warm to lukewarm water, dissolve a sachet of your preferred dye. Add just a pinch of salt and continue to stir until everything has dissolved. Leave your dyes to cool for a while. You can use as many colors as you want. I don’t believe in limiting yourself to just 2 or 3. And another plus point to my jubos is how cool the colors start to mix together, like you’re creating a whole new color from the color wheel. Amuuhzing!

Lay down your shirt flat on the ground and start a circling motion from the center of your shirt, as if you’re making a whirlpool out of it. Do this until the whole shirt is twirled into a circle. Fasten the shirt with two rubber bands. Make sure it’s still flat. The rubber bands would keep your shirt from getting untangled.

And do the crazy! Go as wild as you want, mixing any colors wherever you want. Or be organized and pour the dye inward to outward. It’s up to you! Just make sure you pour the dye on BOTH sides of the shirt, ventral and dorsal okay. Otherwise, your tie-dye shirt would be no tie-dye. Also, be extra extra generous in pouring the liquid on the shirt. Don’t leave out any white spots like I did, otherwise you’ll end up with a undernourished tie-dye like mine.

When you’re done, just remove the rubber bands and voila! Easy, right?

You can only guess which one's mine huhu tie-dye fail 

Sunday, May 5, 2013


One of my very very good friends since high school just got engaged today. Not necessarily the first one I know to get engaged, but the first from my own circle of friends. This is the friend I've talked countlessly about dream boys, dream weddings, dream proposals and happy ever afters. To see her move to another country and to a new timezone and unexpectedly found her soulmate is, forgive the cheese, inspiring. She's one of the bravest girls I've met in my life and you know, a real fighter, not like other girls and boys who think they know what they want and "try" to get there but eventually end up crawling back to their mommies and daddies. This one's a fighter, and people who are courageous, I think, deserve to be rewarded. I'm not writing this to make pa-goody goody with you Joycie, I just think people should know how much you can inspire not just your friends (coz really, a lot of us are), but also wandering strangers to just go for it, whatever it is we're itching to go for.

I guess this also serves as a reminder for me that we truly are getting older. Things are getting shit real okay. I mean, marriage? Oh God. Not that I don't want it okay, I do, I really do. Next to not having any kids and not ending up as a good doctor, being alone for the rest of my life would be a huge nightmare. I remember having a conversation with my friend earlier this year how, at this point in my life, you don't really want those met-up-in-a-bar kind of relationships. Not that I judge people who still go for those things, but it's just that being in med school, makes me value time so so much and how much (I think) I have so little of it. I want the real thing, yo. Yo? Haha. But seriously, one time big time na ako this time. I probably shouldn't have said that since I know how much boys can get scared off by that mentality, but what the heck, bahala kayo. Seryoso na.

But a serious relationship entails a serious state of mind. Do I have that? Mebbe not yet. Another friend said judging a potential guy by his taste in shoes, music and hairstyle isn't a good sign of a girl who's on the lookout for a serious relationship. Shallow, that's what my friend said. That S word has been in my forehead for a really long time now, okay. Is it really shallow? Can I not sift through choices (choices, chos) by critiquing their shoes? Pwede naman di ba? Taste goes a long way you know, just like first impressions, which I happen to remember very very accurately.

So maybeee I'm not on the same level as Joyce and Chris are in right now in their lives. I probably don't have that idea of for better and for worse concretely defined inside my head. Soon, like 3 years maybe? No pressure right?

Cheers to your forever, my love! Your love story is just getting better and much sweeter. :)

Thursday, April 25, 2013

Summer Shmummer

There has to be more than this. Not an emo-I-use-got-my-heart-broken post. Just saying. Haha. Sorry. I really don't wish to write a year's worth of posts with a rant. But then again, it wouldn't be me if i didn't, right? So I guess I'm not sorry.

 Okay, to be perfectly honest, the only reason why I am back here typing is because I got sick of browsing through my Facebook feed and seeing all my friends going around the world and posting all their wonderful pictures. I sound selfish I know. Am I alone here? Am I the only one who actually feels envious that people my age are off wandering the continents while I'm here, sulking in my, shall I say, misfortune? Too harsh of a word, but right now, it sure feels like that. I mean, I don't even claim myself to be on vacation.

 You see, I wake up 0530 for my morning jog since I have to be at work by 0800. By work, I meant helping out in our small family business. And for 10 hours of the day, I'm there, toasting in the hot provincial sun, counting change, counting diaper boxes, counting the hours until it's time to close and go home. Relaxation at night after a long day of work meant going to the local SM. It's funny how sometimes the idea of going to the mall seems "nakakaumay" (bland, is it?) to me already. Every freakin' night, I'm there like it's my backyard. The day ends around 2300 and I get to allow myself to have more than six hours of sleep, which to me is the only luxury I'm enjoying this summer. And then the cycle just goes on.

I envy a lot of people actually. Every teacher would tell me that to be jealous of others is a great sin. Uhh yes, envy is a grave sin, but so is eating McDonald's large fries with lots and lots of ketchup (I don't really eat it with ketchup though, just proving a point). So help me God for sinning this much summer. Is it so bad to ask for a day-off? Our yaya's get to have one, why can't I have one too? I mean, just the idea of getting bored and running out of things to do for the day makes me green with envy. Posting on Facebook or Twitter, "bored out of mind" or "when boredom strikes [selfie]", how does that feel??? I mean, not the selfie part because I judge people who do that. But kinda crazy, right? Normal people have that kind of life! I can count with my fingers when I have had those kind of days.