Tuesday, July 9, 2013

After one month into 3rd year of med school, I find myself completely lost. I’ve been denying it for weeks now, thinking maybe I’m just not mastering the correct study habits or maybe my mind’s still too preoccupied from summer. After 4 weeks, I’m already struggling to catch up on my exams. Seriously, this isn’t another I’m-so-grade-conscious post. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I try to stay up late every night to study for my exams but I just can’t seem to do well in most of them.

I’ve been contemplating and I realize I feel like I’m missing out on a very important detail. Like I’m not functioning all too well ‘cause I’m missing a part of my machine. I know everyone feels like that sometimes, but is it possible to feel like this for most of the day? I mean, sure I can go on doing my daily activities, but at the end of the day, when I come home, everything just feels like I let the day pass by me. Ugh, how do I explain this? I think, what I’m really trying to say is, I feel unhappy. With myself. With my present situation. With my behaviour. With my goals.

A part of this comes from the fact that I really don’t have much friends in school right now. I have my solid group of friends, but aside from them, I just feel so disconnected with everyone else. I used to think that UST isn’t a place for people wanting to meet different kinds of people, given the one class-one classroom set-up the school has. But in a class of more than 100 students, how come I only have a handful with whom I confide with deeply? There must be something wrong with how I present myself to others right?

I want to change myself, to be the better person, but somehow, it’s been a month-long struggle. When people already have this set of emotions, reactions, behaviour attributed to you in their head, it just seems so difficult to go beyond it. Everything I do just seems unreal or unlike me, as they say. But what if I don’t like who I am right now? How can I improve myself when I can’t even be given the benefit of doubt to try to be better, to be good at the very least.

Sometimes I hate myself for not getting past these intermittent emotional crises; it just feels like I never mature. I want to get past all of this, to move on and to be able to feel something again and to have something to look forward to at the end of the day.